"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?"
   --Robin Williams

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in
bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
   --Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it
like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two
weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
   --Bob Ettinger

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.  'You know
a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.  I replied in a psychotic
tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
   --Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
   --Dick Cavett

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera
and come help me."
   --Bobcat Goldthwait

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can
find Kuwait."
  --A. Whitney Brown

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.  I'm
sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the
word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
  --Jon Stewart

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they
are always locking three."
  --Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
  --John Mendoza

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than
men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:  Duh."
  --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and
the Home Shopping Network on the same station.  I actually bought a
congressman."
   --Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.  But
I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.  We aren't
afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
   --Jeff Stilson

"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old.
At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
   --Drew Carey

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image
there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe
laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body
before you do the wash."
  --Jerry Seinfeld

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll
never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't
want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
  --Larry Miller

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
   --Lily Tomlin

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead."
   --Johnny Carson

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
up really fast."
   --Johnathan Katz

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God
talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
   --Lily Tomlin